I met myself when I was 38. Mom died 1279 days ago, or 3.5 years for those who aren’t ticking it off day by day like a prison sentence. She died, out of nowhere. A curveball thrown by the universe with a deep, maniacal, slow-mo laugh echoing around my world. Mom. Dead. All of a … Continue reading Mom’s very loud, very dead voice
Tag: love
The end
Read "The middle..." here. Why in the hell did I think this was a great set of titles for the story of mom’s death?! The beginning... made sense, The middle... yup, but THE END?! What kind of morbid portion of my brain allowed that one to sneak by? I’ve been staring at a blank screen, … Continue reading The end
Wrenched
I can't feel you around me like I thought I would. I had no doubt you'd live forever — as I've always believed that god / love / energy never dies, it just transforms — but I ache for the way you used to exist. A text away, long and heartfelt phone calls. A hug, one … Continue reading Wrenched
Oh, Mom
My mom passed away April 20, 2018 - the most unexpected and tragic event of my life. I wrote a speech for the Celebration of Life, and when I chose to post it on my blog, I wrote an intro explaining it (read here). However, here is the speech that poured from me while the … Continue reading Oh, Mom
Funeral
My mom passed away 18 days ago. Complete shock; I am still in denial. She was "healthy as a horse" and never got sick. If she did, she'd be better in a day or so, and we never worried about her. She also hadn't been to a doctor in 20 years, so when she started … Continue reading Funeral
Welcome
My dear, sweet baby sister, You’re going to be a wonderful mom. You know how I know? Because you’re the most loving person I know. Whenever I’ve needed a hug? You’ll give one. And not just one of those “Oh, hey, nice to see you” hugs, but a full body experience for at least the … Continue reading Welcome
“Well I uh, I did skip the 4th grade.” – Ross
My daughter is one of the smartest people I know. Her brain has yet to fill up, if anything, it seems inexhaustible, immeasurable, endless — this ability to devour and retain information. She was reluctant to speak those first several months, it wasn't until after her first birthday that she decided using her vocal cords … Continue reading “Well I uh, I did skip the 4th grade.” – Ross
So me
I hope I never get tired of taking pictures, the color blue, and reading. I hope I always love tacos and margaritas and Mexican music and culture. The Spanish language and people. I hope I always remember to focus inwards and be aware, awareness is the root of everything. I hope my kids grow up … Continue reading So me
Teenage Mom
I got pregnant when I was 16, and had my daughter when I was 17. I once watched a Dr. Phil episode where he talked about how the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until we're roughly 25 years old, and that it is the part of the brain that processes the consequences of our … Continue reading Teenage Mom
An ode to The Meadows
My parents bought 60 acres over a decade ago with dreams of our entire family building on it, complete with visuals of all the grandchildren riding around on bikes between the houses to borrow and return butter. The son married a Canadian and moved to Vancouver, B.C. and has no desire to build and/or return … Continue reading An ode to The Meadows
Big sister
Who's my big sister? She's the Bimmy to my Dodo. She's the Yaaallloow! to my Purrrpllle! She's the reason I wear black socks with my black pants and shoes now like a grown up, and the reason I change my kitchen sponges out frequently. She was the escape driver that snuck me out of the … Continue reading Big sister
Struggle & Love
I have spent the last week feeling like one more teeny tiny microscopic thing is going to be what does me in. I have dealt with so much suffering — or if I want to look at it from an enlightened angle, growth — in the last few months... I mean, the Struggle is Real people. … Continue reading Struggle & Love
The Witness Consciousness
Who am I? That seems to be the theme of my twenties and thirties. Am I the voice that incessantly comments on everything I see, every emotion I have, and waffles from every single viewpoint available? Am I the angry, sad, happy emotions that overwhelm me? Am I this body, the physical form that I … Continue reading The Witness Consciousness
Time Off
Expectations will kill you. They're the big cloudy hopeful dream standing in front of you, that never is quite within your grasp. You have a wonderful four days off looming, and those, by golly, will come and go, but the dream of all what can be done, could be done, will be done... will not, … Continue reading Time Off
Rescue
That first deep sleep after coming home from the shelter. The hesitation, the waiting for permission to jump on the couch. To go in a room. To eat the food or treats. The ears back, tail between the legs, "are you really sure I can do this thing, this basic-needs thing" that they damn sure … Continue reading Rescue
“The voice of the sea speaks to the soul.”
I am blessed to live by the ocean, in the great Puget Sound. Everyday I get to see the changing shore, the constantly wavering shape of the tide and beach, the wondrous variety of horizon, of clouds and sky and water line, the colors, oh the millions of colors, the light and dark, the warm … Continue reading “The voice of the sea speaks to the soul.”
Tying the Knot
I always thought marriage was just a piece of paper I/we didn't need, because really, how much difference could it make if we were already committed to each other? But on that day eleven years ago tomorrow, we stood (and knelt) at that alter and promised each other and our family and friends and God … Continue reading Tying the Knot
When you’re a mom
When you're a mom there's no "off the clock." You stay up with the fever and the asthma attack and fighting monsters and you still go to work in the morning. You buy lots of little clothes while you sew your own buttons back on. You make sure they're fed before rushing to the bus … Continue reading When you’re a mom
Ramblings of a Dodo 