Besides me, music may have been Mom’s most favorite thing. And it’s the one thing that makes me feel her in every cell of my body.
In the early days when I cried non stop, I was in the car cranking tunes to try and get most of it out before work. That song by Pearl Jam came on, the Just Breathe one… it starts with, “Yes I understand, that every life must end, uh huh…” and the words travelled up and down my spine like an army of crack-infused ants. I pulled over since I could barely see through the tears, and started the song over and over while I ugly cried. That’s when Mom’s there, and I never want to let it go. Then I hit the little button on the steering wheel and screamed into the invisible microphone in the ceiling, “Hey Siri, make a note. ‘Yes I understand, that every life must end, uh huh.’” Siri obliged and repeated, “I made a note. ‘Yes I understand, that every life must end, HA HA.’”
The snot in my nose only enhanced my guffaws, and in that moment I learned that laughing is just as much a part of grief as crying is. And it’s comforting to know that Mom continues to have a way of making me laugh.