Anyone who knows me knows that I suffered greatly during pregnancy and with my little ones. Now whether that was because I actually did have a harder time than most or because I’m a giant wuss and just like to complain a lot, the world may never know. The first year with each of my girls was so arduous, so unrelenting (sprinkled with bits of glorious love), by the time their first birthday came around, I was ready to celebrate my survival.
And now after having lost my mom eleven months ago, this grief, this new agony has been even more painful, energy zapping, mind fucking, and horrible than those early days with my kids. I am a fragment of the person I was, instead replaced with a scared, weeping, and heartbroken version of myself that is finding how to live in this new world without my gravity.
I can’t imagine having to go through both at the same time. There would be no space for the grief with the kid needing all of your attention, your nerves completely disintegrated from lack of sleep and the weight of sorrow making what’s left of them explode. There would be no sobbing and wailing in bed, or laying completely still in forced surrender, because someone else would be wailing too.
I cannot even imagine trying to process or just even live with this pain of losing my mom while having the nonstop, 24/7 demands of one of the most needy, tiny, and clingy creatures to ever exist requiring every ounce of energy I had.
Sister, I see a smidgeon of how hard this has been for you. I’ve seen you gird up your loins and try to be strong for everyone around you. I’ve seen you not talking about your grief for your friend’s sake because you don’t want to make them uncomfortable. I’ve seen you lose your shit, and I’ve seen you standing proudly tall. You have been required to sacrifice and suffer and change and put someone else before yourself at all times for a year now, without your best friend, the person you talked to all day about everything. Honey, I can’t imagine.
And to top it off, you’re a phenomenal mother! Your daughter is so clearly loved and happy almost all the time. I’m amazed at how much love you’ve been able to give our sweet girl. You are a very attentive, conscientious, and devoted mom.
You are badder assier than any Amazonian warrior princess because when you have been forced to walk through the ugliest war of your life, you did it with a baby strapped to your chest.
I know that this doesn’t miraculously stop being hard today, but it is a huge milestone and you deserve to be celebrated. I love you, beautiful seester, and I am immensely proud of you. Congratulations!