I’ve been driving my husband’s 2009 Subaru Impreza for the last year and a half since he upgraded to a beautiful blue Ford* pickup**, and we traded in the family car. It’s a great car, it just doesn’t fit ME. It’s red, small, a stick shift, sporty, peppy, and I, in my late thirties, am no longer any of these things.

I’ve been complaining for the entire year and a half, but it wasn’t until recently that I allowed myself to consider getting a different vehicle. I mean, what kind of a spoiled person would I be to think that I should shun a car that we bought brand new eight years ago, have done every maintenance that it needed, on time, and have taken very great care of. This car is just wonderful, and runs well.

My husband and I both come from humble roots, and this has been the only vehicle we’ve ever bought new. And that was only because we traded in our gas hog Pathfinder that was on its last leg for the Cash for Clunkers deal of 2008, getting $2000 down toward the purchase of a new vehicle, and we qualified for 0% interest. It was a no brainer at the time.

I love Subaru, and have loved their Outback since about the 2008 model when one of my coworkers bought a shiny silver one and rubbed it in my nose (parked it next to me) daily for two years. So I started dreaming of one a couple of months ago, and drooling over them, and started to see myself driving one. And then I saw the dark/bright blue one, the “Lapiz Blue” they call it, which is odd since that means “Pencil” in Spanish, but is technically like a Cobalt blue, my absolute favorite color, and knew that was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in years.***

So I casually mentioned it to my husband, and of course he’s just so awesome that he’s like “Why not, you totally deserve one.” And “Let’s go to the dealership and look at some.” Like I would even be worthy of one if we could afford it.

And then I just constantly thought about them for weeks, noticing them everywhere, because hey, it’s Bellingham and every other person owns one. And finally one day he takes me to the dealership to check them out.

I knew I wanted a 2-3 year old one with low miles and it had to be in my blue. My brother-in-law has worked for the Subaru dealership for years and we had been there to see him, and he sent me up to talk to a salesperson about checking out the inventory. I told him what I wanted and he showed me several cars that fit that category (not blue), but I could not believe the cost on these things. A three year old Outback, 90,000 miles, still going for $24,999. A two year old Outback, 70,000 miles, even more. These things hold their value extremely well.

The sales rep said, “Now just for a comparison, and depending on your credit, let’s go look at the cost of a brand new one.” And I of course thought “Ya right…” But the new 2017 Outbacks have zero miles, 50,000 mile manufacturer warranty, and start at $27,000. Plus we qualify for 0% interest. Like duh.

I needed space and time to think. My inner kid that yells at me my lack of worth started doing cartwheels in my line of vision and I thanked the sales rep for his time, but went home quite upset over the whole thing. I had wanted something used to keep the price down, and I guess to keep the kid quiet, since buying used fits with my lack of worth she’s so carelessly and consistently waving in my face.

Needless to say, a few more weeks passed, and the salesperson had called a few times. He called my husband and convinced him to come in and test drive one. So we did that. My husband fell in love and I said that I was willing to look at some numbers. He showed me my options of the 0% interest, going with a little higher interest and spreading it out over more months, etc. etc. I told him “Thank you very much, and now I want to see what my Credit Union would do for me,” and we left.

I talked to my credit union that next week and they could do about the same thing, said I have Tier 1 credit and could pretty much get what I want. That’s when the sales rep started texting us and trying to get us to buy. I could not quiet the voice inside me telling me that there was no reason to do this, that I had a nice car, and that I should not act that spoiled, it was overkill.

Skip ahead to my weekly therapy session****, I brought up this latest little struggle I’ve been having, and she was able to boil it down to me and my lack of self worth. “Why do you think you’re not worthy of this new car?” “Well, because my parents don’t have much money right now…” “And you owe them something for raising you?” “No, but I had a kid when I was young and they’ve helped me raise both of my kids, I couldn’t have done it without them. And plus it’s a lot of money and I don’t need to be spending it, I should just go buy a used one.” “And there’s the ‘should’ which means your internal critical parent has been on the field…” And this went on for 45 minutes or so, “Can you afford it?” “Well, yes, it’s not that much more a month than what I currently pay.” “But I don’t need it, the car I drive is just fine.” “Do you love the car you drive? Does it make more happiness or less happiness in your life?” Until finally she said “So because you had a kid at 17, you don’t deserve to have a nice car.” Which pretty effectively ended the conversation.

Why do we do this? Why do we automatically devalue ourselves to the nth degree? Why do we let experiences from thirty years ago, affect experiences in our present? My therapist says that when you catch yourself stuck listening to our inner children that have told us these stories, and are living in karmic dances with ourselves and those around us, that we need to do contrary behaviors to break the patterns and create the lives we’re designed to live, full of love.

So I went to the dealer the next night and picked out my car. And I even leveled up to get the leather seating, blind spot detection (omg it will flash a light in your side mirror if there’s a car in your blind spot when you have your blinker on), the upgraded stereo (12 speakers, subwoofer, etc.), the bigger 18″ rims, and like fifteen more things. He asked if I had a back up color since that blue was hard to find, and I ducked my head and bit my lower lip and said “That’s the only color I want, I’ll wait for it.” I’ve gotta love it. I’ve gotta feel so much happiness and love in it. I’m adding love into my life.

I’m picking it up tomorrow.

🙂 Dodo


*See “Wife of the Year” blog where I convince you that Chevy is always going to beat Ford and I deserve an award for allowing my husband to buy such things.

**Also see “Girls Who Love Trucks” blog where I also convince you that a truck is a truck and they’re fucking fun as hell no matter what brand it is. Yeeehaw!!!

***Also also see “Girls Can Love Cars” blog where I discuss the insane double standards that girls who love cars just want to get guys, and explore my life-long love of Jettas and Chevys.

****I have a wonderful “therapist” that is actually a Trauma Healer and works in the spiritual realm. I have had such amazing changes in my view on everything from file cabinets to meditation; if you don’t have someone in your life that is a neutral third party to bounce things off of and learn and grow from, you need to find someone.

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