Anyone who knew me during the middle decades of my life knows about my Scared-of-Dogs phase. Those years were full of anxiety and stress, and just one of the ways it showed up for me was not allowing myself to bond with anyone’s dogs, even my mom’s beloved fifth child Molly. I know I hurt … Continue reading Brindle →

Another birthday, I can't even believe it. You would have been 63 years old. I joked with your mom the other day that grandpa had died when he was 70, you died when you were 60, and I just turned 40, so that means I have exactly one decade left. She didn't think that was … Continue reading Happy birthday mom →

I climb up on my bed on all fours and rock forward until my head is buried in my pillow. I wrap my arms up under it until I can grab the back of my head and try to hold in all the wailing, all the sobbing... contain it in the cocoon I've built for … Continue reading My Grief Shadow →

Happy birthday mom! You get to stay 60 for forever as we, despite our best efforts, are rapidly catching up. You were Coral’s age when you had me, your third kid. It’s so sweet to watch Coral on the other side of the globe, enjoying and living her best life. That’s because of you and … Continue reading Sixty two →

“I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love.” This is the most important quote I’ve seen since my grief journey began. Why do we try to silence grievers with “move on,” or have the audacity to dictate how long they grieve? I’m a member of a Motherless Daughters group and … Continue reading Move on?! →

Read “The beginning...” here My mom stayed that first night in the loud and overflowing ER with flimsy curtain dividers, taking meds to try to release the excess liquid in her lungs, because in order to check her heart they needed her to lay flat on her back. The next morning there was very little … Continue reading The middle… →

Anyone who knows me knows that I suffered greatly during pregnancy and with my little ones. Now whether that was because I actually did have a harder time than most or because I’m a giant wuss and just like to complain a lot, the world may never know. The first year with each of my … Continue reading Happy Birthday! →

“The kindest and most meaningful thing anyone ever said to me is: Your mother would be proud of you... The strange and painful truth is that I'm a better person because I lost my mom young. When you say you experienced my writing as sacred, what you are touching is the divine place within me … Continue reading Divine place within me that is my mother →

I sat alone at a new little place I found for lunch the other day and I had a flash of you sitting there across the table - laughing, eating, leaning back and talking with your hands, a chip righteously pointed heavenward in one of them - because that’s what you would have done, driven … Continue reading Six months →

I turned the corner and the breath rushed out of me, my heart stopped completely. I drove by in slow motion and felt my resolution crumble into a million pieces, again. The tears already down my chin before I noticed they'd started. Someone was ripping off the siding from your favorite Mexican restaurant, where you … Continue reading Paint →

This is the time of your life you are going to look back on with wonder and awe at the strength you were able to summon and the love that you were able to emanate from the depths of your soul. These will be known as your Warrior Years, when you fought your most heroic … Continue reading Baby Sister →